This Love is Over

I am in the middle of that tricky process of getting over someone. It's not fun, I've done it before, but this time seems trickier. Maybe because I'm in such an uncertain and transitional time in my life, maybe it's the fact that it was the kind of relationship that "almost" happened but didn't quite make it, maybe because I did that crazy thing of getting rid of all the little flirtations I had going on the side and just going for it. Whatever the case, I'm trying to get "over". And it's not easy.

I've been thinking about ways I've gotten over breakups in the past to try and give myself some ideas. There was my freshman year friend breakup where I cried for weeks straight and then finally dragged my behind out and volunteered for an animal rescue(huge help for someone who was seriously gun-shy about meeting new people). There was my breakup from my first serious boyfriend, that one I just jumped right into another serious relationship, not a good idea. Then there was that breakup where I moved to NYC and ended up having a fling with a french artist, that worked out well.

And finally there was my break up with the Comedian, my first real breakup since my "big" breakup. That one was tough, even though it wasn't a very serious relationship. I moved home(bad idea) went on vacation with my best friend(great idea), had a rebound relationship(kinda ok idea) and removed him from my life completely(no phone, no facebook, nada). We're friends with benefits more or less now but now when I look back I can't even see why I thought it was such a great thing in the first place.

So now I've come up with a list of things. Not just things to do to get over someone but also things that make me feel good. And here it is...

1) Obviously spend time with friends, and mine have been great about all of this.

2) Spend time alone! People forget this(me too). Sometimes you need to sit with those thoughts and feelings and accept them. Write, read, watch movies, do yoga, whatever.

3) Paint your nails and toes. It sounds weird but it's true. And it matters that you do them. Really take your time and do a good job. It gives you time to do something for you and makes you feel pretty.

4) Make good food, healthy food. I've been bad about this lately, but it really does help. Taking care of yourself is a big part of feeling good about yourself.

5) These are my personal things that help. Coconut lotion or shampoo, the smell makes me smile. Grapefruit and honeysuckle perfume, my summer scent. Plants, they cheer me up, living things make life better!

What helps you get over someone/something?

FYI, my blog titles are now all song titles. Can you guess what they are?

Kick Drum Heart

The good times keep rolling in. I just found out yesterday that I got my internship!! And they want me to start immediately! I will be starting as soon as Friday. I also start training at my bar job tonight. It is actually pretty intense, I have to train for three shifts then take a test! Things are about to get crazy busy but I have a feeling it's going to be great. I've been trying for years to get this internship and I've finally got it, now I've just got to bust my ass for the next few months and really shine at these jobs(which means I'll be buying one of these). But I'm super excited, this is the stuff I've been trying to get into and now I've got the chance to do it.

I'm also saving my pennies to go to The Newport Folk Festival(if you haven't checked it out by now you should, immediately!). Though I'm hoping my parents will shell out as a congratulations present, dare to dream. I'm planning to go with a bunch of friends, some from here, some from Boston, it should be great! I know that the ExBossFriend will be there, and that I'll be dealing with him a lot in the coming months with these two jobs, but right now I just don't care all that much.

On the topic of dating, meh. It's not happening all that much. I've been spending a decent amount of time with my Comedian Ex. Mostly I think because he's moving in a month and that's dating with an expiration date. Oddly enough that works for me right now. I'm not over ExBossFriend and not quite ready to jump back in there so for now I'm ok with dating with training wheels.

Interviews, Interviews, Interviews

Well, I had my interview. And I actually think it went pretty darn well. The guy who interviewed me was only a few years older than me and was really cool. We knew a lot of the same people, I've worked with a lot of the bands on their roster and we vibed well. I'm hopeful, dear God I'm hoping. I still haven't found employment to support this pipe dream I call a career in music but I'm trying. I don't think I got the bar job at the bar my friend works at, but I'm still trying. This whole being unemplyed thing is kicking my ass but at the same time I've always done my best when I'm up against the wall and I'm just trying to hold onto faith that I will claw my way out of this.

In other news, dating. It's not really happening. Like I said I ended thing with my musician ex boss/ex boyfriend. Friday was my birthday and I didn't hear from him at all, which was pretty much the last nail in the coffin. The french guy I was dating two years ago is still in my life, though at this point only as a friend and he's taking me out tonight for my birthday. I know he still loves me, but at this point in my life I'm just not ready to have anyone else be a part of it. So for now I'm hanging out with my girlfriends and kicking the job markets ass and that's just going to have to be enough for now.

Have you guys ever lost your job or felt a bit out of place? New York City is pretty much kicking my ass up and down the street right now but I still love her. How do you guys get through tough times?

The Good, The Bad, The City

I'm back. And good lord a lot has changed...Let's get started.

First I live in Brooklyn. I moved randomly on a Tuesday, on whim, and I've stayed for the past 7 months. I crashed at the old Halsey house for the first month. It has since been condemned. I got a job managing a salon and I grew to hate it, then I got fired. Now I'm unemployed and I've got an interview at my dream company on Friday, which also happens to be my birthday. I've got a little apartment, it's painted turquoise, it's on a park, in the ghetto. I've got an amazing group of girlfriends, we're all musicians, and artists, and broke. I was dating a nice boy, he was not a boy since he was 10 years older than me, but he is moving to Boston, and I'm not dating him anymore. I was dating a not so nice boy, the same not so nice boy musician I was dating in Boston. He moved here, he did not move for me, we are not dating any longer. I am in love with New York and it is kicking my ass. I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm lost and completely head over heels with my city. It's about time I started blogging about it.

I Have Been an Absent Blogger

I'm sorry I haven't written guys. It's tough to keep motivated these days. I didn't get the job at Sony, as a result I did get to go to North Carolina's Outer Banks for a week with my best lady friend in the whole wide world. But I cannot lie, I really would have liked a job. I've been back from vaca for a little over a week and it seems there is another bump in my road. My temp job in the office where my dad works has evaporated. My boss, it seems, is on permanent vacation and therefore has left me with nothing to work on. So long income! So I spend my days sending out hundreds of resumes. Making mass quantities of follow up calls and going on daily crying jags.

Truth is, I'm lonely as hell out here. I don't know a soul in Ithaca and all my parents friends(and my parents) seem to ask about is my job hunt. The sad fact is, there's nothing to tell. I'm like the little engine who could, but I'm runnin' outta steam! I'm frustrated and I'm feeling pretty useless. I'm not even getting call backs. So sometimes I take the dogs hiking in the gully and I can escape for a little while. But I can't escape the ever growing isolation I feel. It's pretty much me and my TV. However, I can safely say I recommend Heroes the TV show, I can say this cause I've watched every single episode of all four seasons. Don't say I never achieved anything.

I am still dating that boy, I'm not where it's going, mostly cause I'm not sure where I'm going. But I like him, and it would be nice to have him be my in city gentleman friend rather than my travel to get smoochies friend. I've also got a wedding to go to this weekend with a friend of mine from NYC who's coming up to stay with me. I'm actually really looking forward to this, he's my french speaking ex but also one of my closest friends and I know that he gets where I'm coming from. Plus, it's an indian wedding, in other words, bright colors, lots of dancing and celebration. I think it's exactly what I need.

Once a King or Queen of Halsey Always a King or Queen of Halsey

^The ceiling in my old roommate at Halsey's room.

Ah new york, new york. It was so good to be back. You want the recap? Ok, I'll try and keep it short...

So I arrived in NYC with the help of my mom's best friend who is a real-estate agent in Tribeca. We got into the upper west side and I hopped a subway bound for my beloved Brooklyn. I arrived and was met by my ex roommate/pseudo ex beau. The one I mentioned who I dated for awhile after B and I broke up. We're not dating anymore but we're still good friends and whenever I'm in NYC I still crash at Halsey Kingdom. I met him at our two friends adorable little ground floor brownstone and we had a few beers and some mexican candy in their charming little backyard. It made me terribly jealous, it is exactly the kind of apartment I want. It was also so much fun.

Now, the next part of my evening requires a little explanation. For the sake of full disclosure I'm going to be straight up with you. I did the unthinkable. Ok, so here's the thing, several of my good friends admitted to doing it too and so I got curious. I figured, what's the harm, I'll just give it a try, have a look around. But then, I was hooked. That's right, I tried online dating. So, I had yet to actually get up the nerve to embark on any actual dates but there was this one guy I'd been talking to. We'd exchanged a few messages, he'd called and we'd talked for an hour(yeh, like in middle school), and he seemed sweet and non ax murderer-y. So I said to myself, Self, why not, let's give it a try. So I packed my metaphorical pepper spray, casually informed my best friend and then hung up on her before she could lecture me, put on my pretty blue maxi dress and headed out to the west side.

I met him at a cute, darkly lit little bar, we found ourselves a quietish corner and a few glasses of wine. To my complete shock and awe it was neither awkward nor blood bath horrible craigslist killer like. It was actually, kind of, fun. And the fun kept coming, we talked, we laughed, we headed to a new quieter and only slightly brighter bar which afforded the luxury of a couch. Bars with couches get serious points in my book. We had a few more beers, psychoanalyzed each other(what, what do you do on your dates?) and then all the sudden he looked at me and said come home with me. Yeh, I know, alarm bells should have gone off. But instead I found myself getting in a cab bound for the upper west side(my what a circular day) and then I found myself getting falafel(yum). And then I found myself making jokes in an upper west side studio with a boy who was playing guitar.

As it turns out dating, while scary, can also be really really fun. I don't know if this will go anywhere, maybe, but either way it was a really great date with a really sweet guy. He has since called(side note: we're also getting married and coming up with names that fulfill both our irish and indian heritage...kidding) and I will hopefully be seeing him again. However, the next day and therefore the next post was the interview, dun dun dun...

Bushwick Blues

I leave on Wednesday for NYC again for interview round two. The nerves are already setting in, anybody got a Valium? I've got no clue what to wear, I don't know when I'm heading there or for that matter where I'm staying(details, details). The website for the studio I'm interviewing at is under construction, of course. I know I'm a good interviewer, I know I know what I'm doing, but this is my only shot so far, it makes me nervous. Ahhhhhh.

This weekend I went back to my hometown for my two best friend's little sister's graduation party. I got to see a bunch of old friends which was so great but lord did it make me lonely at even the thought of coming back to Ithaca. The other thing that made me surprisingly lonely was the fact that I was THE ONLY single person there. Ouch, self esteem and pride. My one friend is engaged and rolling up on the one year till her wedding. My other friend, granted after many failed attempts, has a very sweet new boyfriend. Her older sister is still dating her boyfriend from high school, wtf? One of my guy friends has been with his girlfriend for years and there I am, single, and ready to mingle? With who? I suddenly found myself craving that companionship, that team feeling, that partner. And I had nada, though my glass of wine did it's best to be supportive by remaining at all times full.

Usually I'm pretty ok with being single, fancy free or whatever. I like to flirt, I like to go out, I'm rabidly protective of my freedom of choice and independence. But recently(and this is in part because I am sequestered hermit like in Ithaca) I am feeling lonely, I am feeling incomplete. And while I try to keep my chin up, shoulders back, head high, shoes tied, I get down and I want somebody there to kiss me and say it's ok. For now I'm focusing on the job thing, my inner mantra is a continuous run-on of job, apartment, dog, job, apartment, dog. There is no boy in that equation, boys can come after that. But it doesn't mean I'm not feeling a touch lonely.

Now because I'm pretty sure he has a bell in his house that rings every time I either swear I'm done with him or am feeling particularly down on myself, my ex boss texted me. I hardly ever hear from him, we were one of those never began and never ended scenarios. I really liked him and I've got no clue how he ever felt about me other than he would never give in but would never walk away. I'll admit, he's kind of a mess, he's a musician who's rarely around, he's too often self centered and vain but he has moments, and bare with me while I justify all that no good lover man mess away, he has moments where he is sweet and he lets his guard down and I'm hooked. I'm like a big dumb puppy, I growl and I snarl and I keep my back to the wall but then he's nice and I roll over and give in.

So now my best friend and I had already planned to go to NYC for 4th of July weekend and were going to see a show of the band that he happened to sign to the label I used to work out. Well, turns out he'll be there, all sweet talk and whiskey and I'll do my dog and pony show with a rousing refrain of "I don't care" and then I'll give in and hopefully my best friend will drag me away and chain me in a basement far far away from the temptation of my cell phone and a bottle of Jameson. I know I know, I make it sound awful like a bad indie movie but it's not bad really. He inspires me to do more with my music, and he's a good friend and I'm comfortable with him. The problem of course is that he won't just give in, isn't that always the problem though?

What I'm Listening To:

Bushwick Blues- Delta Spirit

The Prodigal Daughter Returns

It's been a long absence and I apologize. I have been rigorously searching for a job in NYC and settling in to my parents lake house. Well the kitties and I are settled, more or less. Granted our stuff is strewn about the upstairs of the cabin, but we're making due.

I've got a working car, home cooked meals every night and the accompanying elliptical necessitated by said meals. Sadly, no "grown up" job yet. But I had an interview at Sony not too long ago and I've got a second one in about 2 weeks, keep your fingers crossed for me.

In the meantime I'm temping at my dad's office and continuing to send out resumes. I'm hoping to start volunteering at a local animal shelter as well and I'm looking into taking a dance class. I'm also looking into working part time or interning at a local radio station to pad my resume while I keep looking for work in NYC.

In other(good) news my best friend may in fact be coming with me to Brooklyn. We're both applying for work, her in restaurant PR and me in music and crossing our fingers. We're also having visions of a cute prewar apartment hopefully with a yard and a whole bunch of second hand furniture as well as my two kitties plus her dog and kitty. My what a family!

I am also beginning to think abotu having a new dog in my life. Losing my little bear was really really difficult and I'm far from over it but I'm also feeilng very lonely and purposeless without a dog in my life. As it turns out a friend of my mom's has a little dog that she needs to find a new home for named Coco. I'm thinking about fostering him for awhile, maybe he's not for me, but either way it would be nice to help.

Anyways, I'm also doing this thing, I believe it's called dating. Since B and I broke up I haven't really dated anyone seriously. I dated my ex boss, kind of, but it was never anything serious. The closest I got to something real was dating a friend of mine who as it turned out was not much of a friend afterall. So now I am cautiously dipping a toe in the dating pool. That is to say, I am not dating anyone. But I'm open to it, I'm just not seeking it out so much. That said the thought of dated outfits does get me all a twitter...

Nerd by acelovesvintage featuring TopShop bags

Bustier Jumper
$325 - loefflerrandall.com
More rompers »

Chelsea Crew Perforated Oxford
$58 - urbanoutfitters.com
More oxfords »

Small Pushlock Satchel Bag
$90 - topshop.com
More TopShop tote bags »

Alkemie + Cupid's Arrow Bangle
$140 - econsciousmarket.com
More bracelets »

Barrie round-frame acetate glasses
$360 - net-a-porter.com
More Oliver Peoples sunglasses »

Belfry Smith - Panama Straw Fedora: Hatsinthebelfry.com
$88 - hatsinthebelfry.com
More hats »

On Dating

This photo is gratuitous, I just think they were the cutest couple ever and I've been watching a lot of old episodes of The OC. Dating is something that's new to me. As I've said before I dated my ex J for two years starting while I was still in high school. Then I dated B pretty much immediately after that, again for two years. For the first time in over four years I am dating, a lot. Now before you go calling me a hussy I am not saying that I'm out in my leopard print scoring unsuspecting dudes at a bar. But none the less I'm dating. I can't lie, I'm a bit out of practice. It's hard to go from being so much a part of an "us" to being a ME and inviting other people to come play on my playground.

I'm a bit protective of this playground, I guess I'm not a great sharer. It turns out these days words like relationship, settle down or love are pretty much a sure fire way to get me to run in the other direction. I told you before that there was a certain someone in NYC, and not that that person is entirely removed from my life but it got a little too serious for me to feel comfortable. He wants more from me than I'm willing to give.

I had a discussion with a good friend I haven't seen in awhile last night and we were discussing relationships, living together and being vs. not being a part of that infamous "us". She is at the point in her relationship (with a very lovely mustached long haired gentleman I might add) where they are discussing moving in together. She is hesitant, as was I, ok, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming, but that's another story. She is a charmingly spunky and independent girl who is very focused on her burgeoning career and she is hesitant to give in to the "us" because she worries that she will have to compromise.

As you well know, it is this compromise, and both B and I being unwilling to do so that, among other things brought about the end of my own relationship. Now, far be it from me to dissuade someone from moving in with their hunnie just cause it didn't work for me. But it got me thinking, I too am unwilling to give up any me for a we. I'm simply unwilling at this point to compromise my own life and decisions to involve someone else. And for the time being I'm ok with that. Not all my would be suiters are ok with this, but for me my independence is very important right now. I'm defining myself outside of a relationship, outside of school or work or location, I am at a point of reckoning and it's time for me to figure out who Me really is. And until I do that, I'm dating, not loving, not letting go or letting in. There's a lot more in life than being part of an "us".

So The Secret's Out

Paranoia. Fear. When did I become this frightened person, this needy person? When did I start needing constant reassurance. I used to be so self assured. I used to be so confident. Now I find myself worrying. I worry about the new one, I worry about the old one, I worry about worrying at all. Why should I care? I shouldn't, so why do I?

Why do I question myself, why do I question? I worry I'm annoying, I'm so tired of feeling annoying, more worried about feeling unwanted. I feel unwanted. I never used to. I worry he doesn't want me, that now that I've crossed that threshold of wanting him that those feelings won't be returned. I've spent a year feeling unwanted, I've spent 6 months feeling unloved, I've spent three months feeling hated, worthless. My self esteem is shot. I find myself reading too deeply, looking for a clear sign.

My ex knows, about the new one, he says one of my readers told him. If that's the case, I'm hurt and I admit to feeling a bit betrayed. Which is odd given I don't actually know any of my readers. But I am not afraid, I will not hold back. The truth is he hurt me, he broke me down and made me doubt myself and everything I knew. I am just barely putting myself back together and I deserve to feel good, I deserve to feel wanted, and I deserve to want and care and feel ok with that.

So my dear reader, if you do in fact exist, thank you, for letting him know that I refuse to be trapped in a cycle of addiction, emotional abuse and pain. Regardless of any other person, people, what have you, I do know that I should be(even if it's hard) moving on from this. And I have to hope that in time my self assuredness will return and I can feel safe in caring about someone and being cared about.

Falling For New York

I posted awhile back that one of the scariest parts of going through a breakup and being on your own for the first time is feeling something for someone new. It hasn't been long since my breakup, and I'm the type to second guess myself a lot, it's what I do. I wonder if it's too soon to feel something for someone, if perhaps I should be in some sort of relationship mourning, I wonder if he's the right person to feel something for. Is it rebound? Or perhaps am I rebound for him? I worry that I'm treating having a man around as a crutch, I tend to over analyze.

But my last trip to New York made me appreciate this certain someone and how much he respects me, cares about me and wants to be around me. It feels good to be wanted, and though I've resisted, I find myself wanting as well. I'm not saying I want to jump in head first, eyes closed and hope for the best. I am the portrait of emotional caution, of slow, timid movements towards anything beyond friendship. He would like more, he has been honest about that, and I respect that, but he also respects the fact that I am far from ready for anything more than casual and cautious.

I haven't invited him to Boston yet, it feels too intimate to bring him into my space, in the place that to be honest I hide from feelings and let myself be unashamed and hurt. He understands that hurt as well I know, having been through similar if not worse hurt himself. But bringing him into my place still feels too overwhelming. All the same though, it feels good to have a few timid butterflies in my belly.

Newly(and officially) Single? Bring On the Leather...

Nothing says hot piece of confident, sexy, so-over-that-other-dude ass quite like leather. My new roommate has brought something lovely to the house...
A pair of leather leggings that I did not have to buy. I'll be honest, they aren' the sort of thing I would buy myself, but if they're laying around well hell, I'll indulge my inner rockstar. They are perfect for heading to the bar and picking up that cute, scruffy musician looking boy at the end of the bar. And yeh, ok, my confidence is a bit lacking and maybe they'll only allow me to muster up the courage to look at said cute boy, but hey, it's progress.

Leather by acelovesvintage featuring Splendid

My only question is how would you wear your leather leggings? Tips for me anyone?

Full Disclosure

It's 2am and I can't sleep. I had been talking to my ex again, despite the fact that he is still moving out and I've got new roommates. None the less, we started talking again and for a little while it seemed like things might be ok. I was wrong.

Full disclosure...the reason my ex an i ended in the end was because he has a drug and alcohol problem. It feels weird to admit that here, to be honest, I'm astoundingly ashamed to say that. It makes me feel weak for some reason. It also isn't something I ever imagined as part of my life.

He says he loves me, says he wants to marry me in one breath and in the next fucks it all up. He has lied to me and deceived me and betrayed me over and over and yet I continue to love him. That too makes me feel ashamed.

It feels wrong to talk about this here, somewhere so public but so completely private at the same time. But I feel the need to be completely honest. I cannot be honest with my family, they worry enough already. I have a few friends who know, but I rarely tell them the whole story, again, I am ashamed and frankly I don't want to burden them with my multitude of issues.

Here I can be completely honest. And while it may not be entirely kosher or appropriate, this is my place and frankly I need to let it all spill out somewhere. To be honest, the fact that his addiction has continually come before me and before our relationship annihilates my self esteem. I don't feel as if I'm good enough for him to stop. And while I've seen enough TV specials and lifetime movies to know that this is not the case, it does not change how I feel.

It is hard to believe that he ever really loved me. Maybe he never did. And if that's the case then it breaks my heart. It also makes me insanely angry for the two years I wasted. I also can't shake the feeling of regret for leaving my ex J for B. Not that J was ever perfect or that our relationship was. But I left out of selfishness and youth and I regret that now.

Even as I write this I'm afraid of judgement. Of your judgement, and of the judgements that spin around in my own head. I'm afraid of facing the world on my own, and equally as afraid of falling back into things with B. I love him, and that's the toughest part. If I could hate him it would all be easier, it would make more sense, I could let go more easily.

And it's become clear to me that letting go, completely, is what I need to do. I don't know if he will get help, now or ever, but I know I can't wait around and hope. Moving on is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'll admit my first response is to pack my shit up and move, like I've always done. But I know that's not an option and it's not a healthy response. I have to be a grown up and move on, the only problem is I don't even know where to begin.

Je t'aime

Sometimes, the most confusing thing is feeling something for someone new. I'll admit to running scared from those feelings because it feels too soon and I'm admittedly a bit gun shy. But also because the feelings on the other end of this are much too intense for my deer in the headlights, post relationship war zone, refugee self. I'm not ready for french movie romance with champagne and hand held trips to the museum. I'm still not ready to come out of my bomb shelter no matter how hard the world outside tries to beat in the door.

Needles to say my trip to New York was enlightening. It was not the same as the New York I left, but I don't think it ever will be or can be, and that's ok cause it still felt like home. New York feels right in my bones, it smells right, crisp like autumn. It was nice to go, though I admit to feeling a bit out of place. However it was awesome to see old friends, reconnect with some, get to know others better. My old stomping grounds in the East Village were still there, favourite pizza spot, favourite coffee shop, as was my beloved Little Poland. But it was also different, or maybe I am. New York is a big world, and it expects a lot of me. I'm ready for the challenge of New York. But letting go of my past relationship and even dipping my toe in the waters of a new one seems much too soon.

We all need time to lick our wounds and and pick ourselves up after we fall down. After my last relationship I didn't give myself the time to do that, this time I need to make sure I'm ok before taking on anything else or anyone else. So for the time being I think I'll leave the french romance at a safe distance, at least as far as my TV, or New York City.

Never Give Up

So all I really want to do is crawl in bed and sleep and eat leftover Chinese food. But I refuse to allow myself to just give up. I never give up. So, with a renewed sense of purpose and a kicky new craigslist add it's back to the roommate hunt I go. Hopefully I will have some luck. My roommate/apartment searches have always been stressful but I've always had amazing luck at the very last minute so hopefully that will happen again. Also, I'm heading back to Halsey Kingdom for the weekend for a house art opening/party. There shall be art, drinks and a band in my roommates room. Yeh, I think we're weird too. Hopefully that will take my mind off of all this stress. Also, you must listen to the new Jay-Z album. I don't listen to rap, but trust me, this is good.

What I'm Listening To:

Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z

I Need To...

Stop moping and get over it.

Imagine

When I was a kid I used to imagine that my bed could fly. Childhood wasn't always a happy time for me and my imagination was a place I could escape to. I was a perpetual day dreamer. I was an only child until I was 8 so my imagination was my favourite plaything and closest friend. Maybe that's why I've always liked fantasy novels and movies, because they were created by people like me. People who lived in their heads and created worlds in which there were heros, where good and evil was clear and there was something to be done about every problem.

I'm having one of those days, ok, I'm having one of those couple of days. The kind of days where I'm too much in my head but my head isn't a safe place with recognizable monsters and easy ways to fight them. I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around everything and how far it's gone. The first of October is days away, B hasn't been home since Sunday, I've written him, I've written his father and had no response. The first is around the corner but still his stuff remains here. Strewn about in disarray that taunts me and scratches at my wounds, reminding me of the mess that's left and the pieces that no longer make sense.

During the day I'm ok, when it's light out I can see alright and I'm stronger. But night comes and my apartment is cold and empty and I can't do simple things like lift the recycling and I miss him. But I berate myself for missing someone who's become so cruel and so unrecognizable as the person I knew. At night when it's dark and I'm alone I want crawl back into that childhood bed and get back to that place I created in my head. A place that was safe, where I was a hero and where the monster and the prince weren't one in the same.

The Fear

I know he isn't someone I want to be with. But the person he showed me, the one I thought he was, I really miss that person.

I stumbled on some old pics of us from the beginning of the summer back when things were actually really good, when I was happy and we were fun, when I still thought marriage wasn't out of the question down the road. But now that person is gone, and I'm left wondering if he was ever really there or if I created it, or simply believed the false person he showed me. I know that no one who ever loved me could be as cruel as he has been. So I'm left wondering who this person was who I lived with and loved for so long and how I allowed myself to be with someone so false. It frightens me more than I care to admit that I was with him and that he is capable of such hurtfulness and from what I can understand without reason. Was he never the person I loved? Or did the end of our love create this monster that I'm living with? And if so, was that love ever good to begin with? He was my best friend, and now I don't even recognize him.

Getting Through It

breakup by acelovesvintage featuring UGG Australia boots

Hey guys, I'm still alive! Thanks again for all your comments. I should hopefully be getting a computer tomorrow but it may take me a few days to get things up and running. In the meantime I can't say that things with my ex have improved, but I can say that I'm still fighting. As mean as he can be I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm tough and I will be fine. I keep thinking about that five by five tattoo and I think I really want to get it. Just to remind myself that I'm a tough chick and that I will be fine. In the mean time I'm still drinking tea by the gallon, wrapped up in about 18,000 blankets and reading sappy books and watching sappy TV shows, but I think it's what I need. Inbetween that I've got lovely friends who come over to "do homework" and end up watching bad movies and eating chinese with me. I've also got a few potential roommates coming to look at the place this weekend, hurray! So wish me luck. And let me know what you'd be interested in seeing posts about when I return to the blog world full time. Again, thanks so much everyone!

The Break Up

Hey guys, I'm back for now but since I still don't have a computer(sob!) my posts will be few and far between.  My life is feeling a lot like the above movie, and let me tell you, I was not a fan of that movie.  I always thought Vince Vaun was such a jerk in the movie that I couldn't stand it.  Compared to my ex however Vince is looking like a prince right now.  Breaking up is hard to do no matter what way you slice it, but I always feel that keeping a level of maturity, even if you're angry, is so important.  Especially when you live together.  

I have to admit, this break up is really crushing me.  In the end it wasn't even about any of the issues that had come up for us over the summer so much as his reaction to them.  I don't want to go into details because I don't want to be disrespectful but I will say that he has really gone out of his way to personally attack me and while I know he's upset it's frightening to know that someone I loved for so long could be so intentionally cruel to me.  

That said I have really been trying to take care of myself through all of this by cuddling with my animals, eating good, healthy meals, surrounding myself with good friends and keeping my mind on school and my new job.  And yes, I got a new job, it's actually my old job that I had to leave for my internship but it is none the less wonderful.  I'm a receptionist at a local hair salon, gossip, magazines and free hair cuts.  Everything a recently single girl needs.  I've also been watching a lot of my go to bad day shows/movies such as Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer the second season(those of you who know the show know why) and Twilight.  Go ahead and judge me, but they make me feel better.  I wanted to thank you all again for your sweet comments, they really do mean the world to me.  And if any of you are ever in town or in my part of town there is always a chilled bottle of wine in my new single ladies pad that's just waiting for some friends to help me drink it.

What I'm Listening To:

Gypsy Part of Town- Gogol Bordello