Monday, November 23, 2009

So The Secret's Out

Paranoia. Fear. When did I become this frightened person, this needy person? When did I start needing constant reassurance. I used to be so self assured. I used to be so confident. Now I find myself worrying. I worry about the new one, I worry about the old one, I worry about worrying at all. Why should I care? I shouldn't, so why do I?

Why do I question myself, why do I question? I worry I'm annoying, I'm so tired of feeling annoying, more worried about feeling unwanted. I feel unwanted. I never used to. I worry he doesn't want me, that now that I've crossed that threshold of wanting him that those feelings won't be returned. I've spent a year feeling unwanted, I've spent 6 months feeling unloved, I've spent three months feeling hated, worthless. My self esteem is shot. I find myself reading too deeply, looking for a clear sign.

My ex knows, about the new one, he says one of my readers told him. If that's the case, I'm hurt and I admit to feeling a bit betrayed. Which is odd given I don't actually know any of my readers. But I am not afraid, I will not hold back. The truth is he hurt me, he broke me down and made me doubt myself and everything I knew. I am just barely putting myself back together and I deserve to feel good, I deserve to feel wanted, and I deserve to want and care and feel ok with that.

So my dear reader, if you do in fact exist, thank you, for letting him know that I refuse to be trapped in a cycle of addiction, emotional abuse and pain. Regardless of any other person, people, what have you, I do know that I should be(even if it's hard) moving on from this. And I have to hope that in time my self assuredness will return and I can feel safe in caring about someone and being cared about.

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