Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Falling For New York

I posted awhile back that one of the scariest parts of going through a breakup and being on your own for the first time is feeling something for someone new. It hasn't been long since my breakup, and I'm the type to second guess myself a lot, it's what I do. I wonder if it's too soon to feel something for someone, if perhaps I should be in some sort of relationship mourning, I wonder if he's the right person to feel something for. Is it rebound? Or perhaps am I rebound for him? I worry that I'm treating having a man around as a crutch, I tend to over analyze.

But my last trip to New York made me appreciate this certain someone and how much he respects me, cares about me and wants to be around me. It feels good to be wanted, and though I've resisted, I find myself wanting as well. I'm not saying I want to jump in head first, eyes closed and hope for the best. I am the portrait of emotional caution, of slow, timid movements towards anything beyond friendship. He would like more, he has been honest about that, and I respect that, but he also respects the fact that I am far from ready for anything more than casual and cautious.

I haven't invited him to Boston yet, it feels too intimate to bring him into my space, in the place that to be honest I hide from feelings and let myself be unashamed and hurt. He understands that hurt as well I know, having been through similar if not worse hurt himself. But bringing him into my place still feels too overwhelming. All the same though, it feels good to have a few timid butterflies in my belly.

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