Thursday, October 29, 2009

Full Disclosure

It's 2am and I can't sleep. I had been talking to my ex again, despite the fact that he is still moving out and I've got new roommates. None the less, we started talking again and for a little while it seemed like things might be ok. I was wrong.

Full disclosure...the reason my ex an i ended in the end was because he has a drug and alcohol problem. It feels weird to admit that here, to be honest, I'm astoundingly ashamed to say that. It makes me feel weak for some reason. It also isn't something I ever imagined as part of my life.

He says he loves me, says he wants to marry me in one breath and in the next fucks it all up. He has lied to me and deceived me and betrayed me over and over and yet I continue to love him. That too makes me feel ashamed.

It feels wrong to talk about this here, somewhere so public but so completely private at the same time. But I feel the need to be completely honest. I cannot be honest with my family, they worry enough already. I have a few friends who know, but I rarely tell them the whole story, again, I am ashamed and frankly I don't want to burden them with my multitude of issues.

Here I can be completely honest. And while it may not be entirely kosher or appropriate, this is my place and frankly I need to let it all spill out somewhere. To be honest, the fact that his addiction has continually come before me and before our relationship annihilates my self esteem. I don't feel as if I'm good enough for him to stop. And while I've seen enough TV specials and lifetime movies to know that this is not the case, it does not change how I feel.

It is hard to believe that he ever really loved me. Maybe he never did. And if that's the case then it breaks my heart. It also makes me insanely angry for the two years I wasted. I also can't shake the feeling of regret for leaving my ex J for B. Not that J was ever perfect or that our relationship was. But I left out of selfishness and youth and I regret that now.

Even as I write this I'm afraid of judgement. Of your judgement, and of the judgements that spin around in my own head. I'm afraid of facing the world on my own, and equally as afraid of falling back into things with B. I love him, and that's the toughest part. If I could hate him it would all be easier, it would make more sense, I could let go more easily.

And it's become clear to me that letting go, completely, is what I need to do. I don't know if he will get help, now or ever, but I know I can't wait around and hope. Moving on is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'll admit my first response is to pack my shit up and move, like I've always done. But I know that's not an option and it's not a healthy response. I have to be a grown up and move on, the only problem is I don't even know where to begin.

Cat Naps: The Beach

Man could I use two things, a nap and a vacation. This picture pretty much covers both and it looks lovely. I've finished midterms but I'm still pretty exhausted. Hope you guys are doing well and if you aren't finished that you're chuggin' right along. Oh the joys of napping.

Right Now I'm Listening To:

The Good That Won't Come Out- Rilo Kiley

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ink Love: Le Love

I love this picture, though it makes me miss my ex(let's call him J shall we?). He is covered in gorgeous tattoos and nothing made me feel safer than being wrapped up in his colorful arms. I don't think I could ever be as covered in ink as this girl is but she none the less looks lovely and this picture is just too sweet.

The Layering Debacle

I am not very good at winter dressing. I admit it, I'm pretty good in summer, I'm decent in fall. But once the weather turns chilly I'll admit, my yearning to pull on some uggs and a sweatshirt gets pretty strong.
I've always admired stylishly layered girls who look both cozy and cute but I've never known how to achieve that look. I've got all the components, it's just assembling the look that's tricky.
So my question is this, how do you keep warm but stylish in the winter? And how do you layer without looking like the pillsbury dough boy? Anyone got tips for me? Links to great layering options are also welcome.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Don't Your Midterms Look Like a Kate Spade Add?

Well mine for damn sure don't and I'm currently in the middle of them. As we speak I'm meant to be writing a paper on Shakespeare. So bare with me through my temporary absence and good luck on your own midterms should you have them.

What I'm Listening To:

jazz on pandora, for some reason it helps with the studying.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Je t'aime

Sometimes, the most confusing thing is feeling something for someone new. I'll admit to running scared from those feelings because it feels too soon and I'm admittedly a bit gun shy. But also because the feelings on the other end of this are much too intense for my deer in the headlights, post relationship war zone, refugee self. I'm not ready for french movie romance with champagne and hand held trips to the museum. I'm still not ready to come out of my bomb shelter no matter how hard the world outside tries to beat in the door.

Needles to say my trip to New York was enlightening. It was not the same as the New York I left, but I don't think it ever will be or can be, and that's ok cause it still felt like home. New York feels right in my bones, it smells right, crisp like autumn. It was nice to go, though I admit to feeling a bit out of place. However it was awesome to see old friends, reconnect with some, get to know others better. My old stomping grounds in the East Village were still there, favourite pizza spot, favourite coffee shop, as was my beloved Little Poland. But it was also different, or maybe I am. New York is a big world, and it expects a lot of me. I'm ready for the challenge of New York. But letting go of my past relationship and even dipping my toe in the waters of a new one seems much too soon.

We all need time to lick our wounds and and pick ourselves up after we fall down. After my last relationship I didn't give myself the time to do that, this time I need to make sure I'm ok before taking on anything else or anyone else. So for the time being I think I'll leave the french romance at a safe distance, at least as far as my TV, or New York City.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Ink Love: Mad To Live

OK kids, this is the tattoo I want. Not sure if I just want this simple one line or if I want to do the full quote and endure the full pain. I'll admit I sort of like the simplicity of this. It doesn't really need to say more. But the full quote...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn...

What do you guys think?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Currently Coveting: The Denim Shirt

Fall is fast approaching. Or judging by the weather in Boston perhaps come and gone. Either way it's got me feeling the need for crisp, All-America clothes and nothing says America like a denim shirt. I know, I know, I'm a bit late on this trend, but it takes some guts to wear your jeans on top.
I'll be honest and say I'm not sure I could pull of the double denim but those who do always look fantastic.
I think this look is probably more my speed. Beloved floral dress, check, cutsie bowler hat, check, beat up denim shirt, check. The denim shirt is an awesome thrift store find, but there are many out there that are just a bit too over the top. Read: over studded, White Snake emblem(unless that's your thing in which case awesome) or any kind of navajo motif or teddy bears. I like mine clean and rather classically tailored. The top image is from my beloved American Eagle and though the price is a little steep for cheapie me, it looks damn comfy.


It's a noreaster here in Boston and I'm holed up in my apartment "studying" for midterms. Truth be told I'm sitting in my apartment drinking peppermint hot chocolate and watching what looks a good deal like the end of days outside. My room is painted and though it lacks a closet it's starting to feel more like home and I'll admit it's a bit pleasantly cavelike like the one above. Sure, it still needs some sort of doors(I technically live in the living room) or at least some heavier curtains. I painted it a moody copper color and I've got up similarly colored sheer curtains over the windows. Hopefully I'll be hanging up the antique chandelier my mom gave me soon and then I'll have pictures for you guys. In the mean time I'm just enjoying my new moody, romantic space.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Gone Too Fast

Summer was gone too fast. I miss the warmth already. It's too cold out and it's making me want to wrap myself in blankets and drink hot tea and never leave the house. I miss the balmy summer and little dresses.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The World at My Feet

Oh my my! What pretty feet! And how much that must have hurt. I love this tattoo, such a quirky and literal take on having the world at your feet.
This one is also beautiful, and perhaps made more beautiful by the incredible color of her skin. I love how simple these tattoos are with just the outlines. It really shows off how they flow with the body. Lovely, just lovely.

What I'm Listening To:

Bad Things- Jace Everett

Painting Away

Today I'm painting my new room. The walls will be a pretty orangy color.
There will be turquoise and purple accents and hopefully some peace.
These are my inspiration. Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ten Things

That Make Me Happy:

1. Thrifting
2. Coffee with a friend
3. A really clean kitchen
4. A good book
5. Dancing
6. Apple picking
7. A long drive on a cool sunny day
8. A glass of champagne with my mom
9. Volunteering with animals
10. Little Poland on Second street

I've got to remember the things that make me happy and remember to do them for myself. What is life if not about making yourself happy? What can you do for the world if you aren't first satisfied with yourself?

Being a Grown Up

I have not been sleeping. Between the stress of finding a roommate, my kitten obsessively seeking love and my pooch who's slowly getting sicker waking me up earlier and earlier I'm beginning to resemble the living dead. And not the shiny pretty kind in the movies. I dream of a room like this, dark, warm, cave like and surrounded by the soothing sent of old books. Enough that I could escape into other worlds every night.

I've been dreaming about my ex(not the most recent one either) a lot, again. Not even my subconscious is safe any more. It seems as soon as I close my eyes I'm warm and wrapped up in the familiar tattooed arms I fell in love with when I was 18. Things seemed so pure back then, so innocent and I was so naive. Now it seems every turn I make takes me one step further back.

Not to be dramatic, but there has been a serious amount of stuff going wrong lately. Not all big stuff, but little stuff like my power getting shutoff by a wayward electrician. And some stuff bigger, like my wallet being stolen this weekend. And as I sink deeper and deeper into the pit of slackerdom with school I get more and more anxious. I know I know, just do the work, and it seems like it should be that easy even to me. But when I sit down to write that paper or do that project I cannot seem to conjure up the motivation required. The truth of the matter is that in light of the possibility that I may not have a home at the end of the month, tonights history homework just seems less important.

In short, I want to escape, as I always have in times of trouble. I want to wrap myself in a blanket, shut the door and pretend there isn't a world outside. Sadly, this is not an option for "grownups" and while I can honestly say I don't feel much like one, it's looking more and more every day like that's what I've become. I'm tired of hearing how mature I am for my age, tired of the expectations and responsibilities that comes with. I don't want to be mature for my age, I don't feel very mature when at the moment my biggest impulse and the one I am just barely fighting is to get on the floor, curl up in a ball and cry, or maybe throw a good tantrum.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Never Give Up

So all I really want to do is crawl in bed and sleep and eat leftover Chinese food. But I refuse to allow myself to just give up. I never give up. So, with a renewed sense of purpose and a kicky new craigslist add it's back to the roommate hunt I go. Hopefully I will have some luck. My roommate/apartment searches have always been stressful but I've always had amazing luck at the very last minute so hopefully that will happen again. Also, I'm heading back to Halsey Kingdom for the weekend for a house art opening/party. There shall be art, drinks and a band in my roommates room. Yeh, I think we're weird too. Hopefully that will take my mind off of all this stress. Also, you must listen to the new Jay-Z album. I don't listen to rap, but trust me, this is good.

What I'm Listening To:

Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z

I Need To...

Stop moping and get over it.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

There is no real reason for this post other than I happen to think that this collection of mirrors looks lovely. I love the subtle colors and the layering of objects. I also love the array of polariods you can see in the mirror.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Good Juju

I need a little luck. I still haven't found roommates, frankly, I haven't even come close. I've got October to look but I'm getting nervous. This is a picture taken by my very talented old roommate of my many lucky charm style necklaces. I hadn't realized quite how many charms I had until she suggested this picture. I've got a locket, a bow given to me when I was 5, a cross from my nana that I've never worn but should I have to ward off vampire will come in very handy, a clada from my aunt, an icon of the Egyptian goddess Bastet, a crystal and my name. Yep, that's my full name kids. Do you believe in good or bad luck? How can I get some good juju?