Thursday, October 29, 2009

Full Disclosure

It's 2am and I can't sleep. I had been talking to my ex again, despite the fact that he is still moving out and I've got new roommates. None the less, we started talking again and for a little while it seemed like things might be ok. I was wrong.

Full disclosure...the reason my ex an i ended in the end was because he has a drug and alcohol problem. It feels weird to admit that here, to be honest, I'm astoundingly ashamed to say that. It makes me feel weak for some reason. It also isn't something I ever imagined as part of my life.

He says he loves me, says he wants to marry me in one breath and in the next fucks it all up. He has lied to me and deceived me and betrayed me over and over and yet I continue to love him. That too makes me feel ashamed.

It feels wrong to talk about this here, somewhere so public but so completely private at the same time. But I feel the need to be completely honest. I cannot be honest with my family, they worry enough already. I have a few friends who know, but I rarely tell them the whole story, again, I am ashamed and frankly I don't want to burden them with my multitude of issues.

Here I can be completely honest. And while it may not be entirely kosher or appropriate, this is my place and frankly I need to let it all spill out somewhere. To be honest, the fact that his addiction has continually come before me and before our relationship annihilates my self esteem. I don't feel as if I'm good enough for him to stop. And while I've seen enough TV specials and lifetime movies to know that this is not the case, it does not change how I feel.

It is hard to believe that he ever really loved me. Maybe he never did. And if that's the case then it breaks my heart. It also makes me insanely angry for the two years I wasted. I also can't shake the feeling of regret for leaving my ex J for B. Not that J was ever perfect or that our relationship was. But I left out of selfishness and youth and I regret that now.

Even as I write this I'm afraid of judgement. Of your judgement, and of the judgements that spin around in my own head. I'm afraid of facing the world on my own, and equally as afraid of falling back into things with B. I love him, and that's the toughest part. If I could hate him it would all be easier, it would make more sense, I could let go more easily.

And it's become clear to me that letting go, completely, is what I need to do. I don't know if he will get help, now or ever, but I know I can't wait around and hope. Moving on is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'll admit my first response is to pack my shit up and move, like I've always done. But I know that's not an option and it's not a healthy response. I have to be a grown up and move on, the only problem is I don't even know where to begin.


  1. i had a very similar relationship and here's the hard lesson that i learned (what you're learning know, i think): you can't save everyone. you have to take care of yourself and your heart first.

    don't ever feel like you have to apologize for sharing and being honest with anyone- keep talking!

  2. believe me i'm not juding you - i know this feeling, not because of drug addicition, but other guy issues and the shame and fear of judgment happens to me too.