I leave on Wednesday for NYC again for interview round two. The nerves are already setting in, anybody got a Valium? I've got no clue what to wear, I don't know when I'm heading there or for that matter where I'm staying(details, details). The website for the studio I'm interviewing at is under construction, of course. I know I'm a good interviewer, I know I know what I'm doing, but this is my only shot so far, it makes me nervous. Ahhhhhh.
This weekend I went back to my hometown for my two best friend's little sister's graduation party. I got to see a bunch of old friends which was so great but lord did it make me lonely at even the thought of coming back to Ithaca. The other thing that made me surprisingly lonely was the fact that I was THE ONLY single person there. Ouch, self esteem and pride. My one friend is engaged and rolling up on the one year till her wedding. My other friend, granted after many failed attempts, has a very sweet new boyfriend. Her older sister is still dating her boyfriend from high school, wtf? One of my guy friends has been with his girlfriend for years and there I am, single, and ready to mingle? With who? I suddenly found myself craving that companionship, that team feeling, that partner. And I had nada, though my glass of wine did it's best to be supportive by remaining at all times full.
Usually I'm pretty ok with being single, fancy free or whatever. I like to flirt, I like to go out, I'm rabidly protective of my freedom of choice and independence. But recently(and this is in part because I am sequestered hermit like in Ithaca) I am feeling lonely, I am feeling incomplete. And while I try to keep my chin up, shoulders back, head high, shoes tied, I get down and I want somebody there to kiss me and say it's ok. For now I'm focusing on the job thing, my inner mantra is a continuous run-on of job, apartment, dog, job, apartment, dog. There is no boy in that equation, boys can come after that. But it doesn't mean I'm not feeling a touch lonely.
Now because I'm pretty sure he has a bell in his house that rings every time I either swear I'm done with him or am feeling particularly down on myself, my ex boss texted me. I hardly ever hear from him, we were one of those never began and never ended scenarios. I really liked him and I've got no clue how he ever felt about me other than he would never give in but would never walk away. I'll admit, he's kind of a mess, he's a musician who's rarely around, he's too often self centered and vain but he has moments, and bare with me while I justify all that no good lover man mess away, he has moments where he is sweet and he lets his guard down and I'm hooked. I'm like a big dumb puppy, I growl and I snarl and I keep my back to the wall but then he's nice and I roll over and give in.
So now my best friend and I had already planned to go to NYC for 4th of July weekend and were going to see a show of the band that he happened to sign to the label I used to work out. Well, turns out he'll be there, all sweet talk and whiskey and I'll do my dog and pony show with a rousing refrain of "I don't care" and then I'll give in and hopefully my best friend will drag me away and chain me in a basement far far away from the temptation of my cell phone and a bottle of Jameson. I know I know, I make it sound awful like a bad indie movie but it's not bad really. He inspires me to do more with my music, and he's a good friend and I'm comfortable with him. The problem of course is that he won't just give in, isn't that always the problem though?