Full Disclosure

It's 2am and I can't sleep. I had been talking to my ex again, despite the fact that he is still moving out and I've got new roommates. None the less, we started talking again and for a little while it seemed like things might be ok. I was wrong.

Full disclosure...the reason my ex an i ended in the end was because he has a drug and alcohol problem. It feels weird to admit that here, to be honest, I'm astoundingly ashamed to say that. It makes me feel weak for some reason. It also isn't something I ever imagined as part of my life.

He says he loves me, says he wants to marry me in one breath and in the next fucks it all up. He has lied to me and deceived me and betrayed me over and over and yet I continue to love him. That too makes me feel ashamed.

It feels wrong to talk about this here, somewhere so public but so completely private at the same time. But I feel the need to be completely honest. I cannot be honest with my family, they worry enough already. I have a few friends who know, but I rarely tell them the whole story, again, I am ashamed and frankly I don't want to burden them with my multitude of issues.

Here I can be completely honest. And while it may not be entirely kosher or appropriate, this is my place and frankly I need to let it all spill out somewhere. To be honest, the fact that his addiction has continually come before me and before our relationship annihilates my self esteem. I don't feel as if I'm good enough for him to stop. And while I've seen enough TV specials and lifetime movies to know that this is not the case, it does not change how I feel.

It is hard to believe that he ever really loved me. Maybe he never did. And if that's the case then it breaks my heart. It also makes me insanely angry for the two years I wasted. I also can't shake the feeling of regret for leaving my ex J for B. Not that J was ever perfect or that our relationship was. But I left out of selfishness and youth and I regret that now.

Even as I write this I'm afraid of judgement. Of your judgement, and of the judgements that spin around in my own head. I'm afraid of facing the world on my own, and equally as afraid of falling back into things with B. I love him, and that's the toughest part. If I could hate him it would all be easier, it would make more sense, I could let go more easily.

And it's become clear to me that letting go, completely, is what I need to do. I don't know if he will get help, now or ever, but I know I can't wait around and hope. Moving on is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'll admit my first response is to pack my shit up and move, like I've always done. But I know that's not an option and it's not a healthy response. I have to be a grown up and move on, the only problem is I don't even know where to begin.

Cat Naps: The Beach

Man could I use two things, a nap and a vacation. This picture pretty much covers both and it looks lovely. I've finished midterms but I'm still pretty exhausted. Hope you guys are doing well and if you aren't finished that you're chuggin' right along. Oh the joys of napping.

Right Now I'm Listening To:

The Good That Won't Come Out- Rilo Kiley

Ink Love: Le Love

I love this picture, though it makes me miss my ex(let's call him J shall we?). He is covered in gorgeous tattoos and nothing made me feel safer than being wrapped up in his colorful arms. I don't think I could ever be as covered in ink as this girl is but she none the less looks lovely and this picture is just too sweet.

The Layering Debacle

I am not very good at winter dressing. I admit it, I'm pretty good in summer, I'm decent in fall. But once the weather turns chilly I'll admit, my yearning to pull on some uggs and a sweatshirt gets pretty strong.
I've always admired stylishly layered girls who look both cozy and cute but I've never known how to achieve that look. I've got all the components, it's just assembling the look that's tricky.
So my question is this, how do you keep warm but stylish in the winter? And how do you layer without looking like the pillsbury dough boy? Anyone got tips for me? Links to great layering options are also welcome.

Don't Your Midterms Look Like a Kate Spade Add?

Well mine for damn sure don't and I'm currently in the middle of them. As we speak I'm meant to be writing a paper on Shakespeare. So bare with me through my temporary absence and good luck on your own midterms should you have them.

What I'm Listening To:

jazz on pandora, for some reason it helps with the studying.

Je t'aime

Sometimes, the most confusing thing is feeling something for someone new. I'll admit to running scared from those feelings because it feels too soon and I'm admittedly a bit gun shy. But also because the feelings on the other end of this are much too intense for my deer in the headlights, post relationship war zone, refugee self. I'm not ready for french movie romance with champagne and hand held trips to the museum. I'm still not ready to come out of my bomb shelter no matter how hard the world outside tries to beat in the door.

Needles to say my trip to New York was enlightening. It was not the same as the New York I left, but I don't think it ever will be or can be, and that's ok cause it still felt like home. New York feels right in my bones, it smells right, crisp like autumn. It was nice to go, though I admit to feeling a bit out of place. However it was awesome to see old friends, reconnect with some, get to know others better. My old stomping grounds in the East Village were still there, favourite pizza spot, favourite coffee shop, as was my beloved Little Poland. But it was also different, or maybe I am. New York is a big world, and it expects a lot of me. I'm ready for the challenge of New York. But letting go of my past relationship and even dipping my toe in the waters of a new one seems much too soon.

We all need time to lick our wounds and and pick ourselves up after we fall down. After my last relationship I didn't give myself the time to do that, this time I need to make sure I'm ok before taking on anything else or anyone else. So for the time being I think I'll leave the french romance at a safe distance, at least as far as my TV, or New York City.

Ink Love: Mad To Live

OK kids, this is the tattoo I want. Not sure if I just want this simple one line or if I want to do the full quote and endure the full pain. I'll admit I sort of like the simplicity of this. It doesn't really need to say more. But the full quote...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn...

What do you guys think?