So The Secret's Out

Paranoia. Fear. When did I become this frightened person, this needy person? When did I start needing constant reassurance. I used to be so self assured. I used to be so confident. Now I find myself worrying. I worry about the new one, I worry about the old one, I worry about worrying at all. Why should I care? I shouldn't, so why do I?

Why do I question myself, why do I question? I worry I'm annoying, I'm so tired of feeling annoying, more worried about feeling unwanted. I feel unwanted. I never used to. I worry he doesn't want me, that now that I've crossed that threshold of wanting him that those feelings won't be returned. I've spent a year feeling unwanted, I've spent 6 months feeling unloved, I've spent three months feeling hated, worthless. My self esteem is shot. I find myself reading too deeply, looking for a clear sign.

My ex knows, about the new one, he says one of my readers told him. If that's the case, I'm hurt and I admit to feeling a bit betrayed. Which is odd given I don't actually know any of my readers. But I am not afraid, I will not hold back. The truth is he hurt me, he broke me down and made me doubt myself and everything I knew. I am just barely putting myself back together and I deserve to feel good, I deserve to feel wanted, and I deserve to want and care and feel ok with that.

So my dear reader, if you do in fact exist, thank you, for letting him know that I refuse to be trapped in a cycle of addiction, emotional abuse and pain. Regardless of any other person, people, what have you, I do know that I should be(even if it's hard) moving on from this. And I have to hope that in time my self assuredness will return and I can feel safe in caring about someone and being cared about.

Ink Love: My Ink

As promised, this, my friends, is my tattoo. It was my second and I got it about 3 years ago when I moved to Boston. I got it the day before Christmas eve with my then boyfriend. It says "Fortune Favors the Bold" which is one of the english translations of the latin "Fortes fortuna adiuvat". It was originally written by Terence in the second century BC but is most often associated with Vigil's Aeneid and it is believed to invoke the goddess of luck. To me it was to signify my choice to leave the path I was on, my major, english, my new home, North Carolina, and pursue a new path, music in Boston. It was to remind myself to be bold in my choices and to not hold back when it comes to the things I want. Living in North Carolina, away from my family and my boyfriend, and losing my best friend was a really difficult experience and I felt in a lot of ways I could have just given up or felt sorry for myself, but I refused to allow the things that had been difficult in my life define me and the tattoo was my way of constantly reminding myself to chase my dreams, no matter how tough it was. Do you have tattoos? What do they mean to you? Or do they mean anything? I would love to know, even if it's just tattoos you've thought about or are thinking about getting.

No More Midterms Please!!!!!

After an awesome, but exhausting weekend recording I must now go take a second midterm for my awful music history class. How dreadful! Wish me luck, cause to be honest, with all of the music making, not a lot of studying was done. It's ironic that making music is taking a toll on my music major.

Studio Virgin

The Halsey Sisters began recording last night, hooray. I'll admit that I was astoundingly nervous, but it's getting better. Granted, I had to turn the studio lights off. But all went well and we've got one song almost done, we're hoping to get a second done today. The only problem? I'm starting to lose my voice, so yours truly will be chugging tea all day! Now we're off to go pick up our brand spankin' new ukelele and possibly a tambourine. Wish us luck!

P.S. I want to be the girl above.

Currently Listening to:

Tiger- The Halsey Sisters

Don't Rain On My Parade

Rainy Day by acelovesvintage featuring Hunter boots

Today it's pouring and this, minus the cute boots, umbrella and change purse, is what I'm wearing. My band gets in today and we start recording tomorrow so nothing can keep me down! Also, the aforementioned items which are not in my outfit are totally on my Christmas list. Have a great day everyone and if I don't get the chance to post have a great weekend. Wish me luck!!

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros- Home

Falling For New York

I posted awhile back that one of the scariest parts of going through a breakup and being on your own for the first time is feeling something for someone new. It hasn't been long since my breakup, and I'm the type to second guess myself a lot, it's what I do. I wonder if it's too soon to feel something for someone, if perhaps I should be in some sort of relationship mourning, I wonder if he's the right person to feel something for. Is it rebound? Or perhaps am I rebound for him? I worry that I'm treating having a man around as a crutch, I tend to over analyze.

But my last trip to New York made me appreciate this certain someone and how much he respects me, cares about me and wants to be around me. It feels good to be wanted, and though I've resisted, I find myself wanting as well. I'm not saying I want to jump in head first, eyes closed and hope for the best. I am the portrait of emotional caution, of slow, timid movements towards anything beyond friendship. He would like more, he has been honest about that, and I respect that, but he also respects the fact that I am far from ready for anything more than casual and cautious.

I haven't invited him to Boston yet, it feels too intimate to bring him into my space, in the place that to be honest I hide from feelings and let myself be unashamed and hurt. He understands that hurt as well I know, having been through similar if not worse hurt himself. But bringing him into my place still feels too overwhelming. All the same though, it feels good to have a few timid butterflies in my belly.

Little Love

It's no secret that I love Hole and idolize Courtney Love quite a bit, yeh, boob flashing and all I think she's swell. As a rebellious child I loved hole, they were tough and in your face and looked super freaking cool. Plus, my mom called them "noise" thus solidifying their appeal.
I happen to think her style is pretty awesome, or was, these days it's a bit lack luster I know. But I loved those red lips, ripped tights and tarty babydoll dresses. She was the crowned queen of grunge. I can't deny the soft spot I still harbor for babydoll ditsy floral print dresses and the occasional clunky doc martin.
Her rebel without a cause streak was also pretty enviable and the fact that she didn't seem to care what people thought made my youthful offenders heart convulse.
It seems though that mama's little baby is following in her wild child footsteps, a good thing? I'm not so sure, but the girl looks pretty badass. I will admit to having a soft spot for alabaster skin, ebony locks and a ruby red mouth(I'm talking to you Dita). And this girl has all that going, and she's only 16! I suppose if you're the offspring of uber famous and yet more tragic grunge royalty you have no choice but to be pretty fierce.